Yet Another shocking simian attack has taken place, this time in Jacksonville Florida.local christian enthusiast Nichole Woods was brutally mauled this past week after mistaking a gorrilla for Bea Arthur and singing the theme song for Maude.
She almost got through the entire song and was finishing up the final chorus:
And then there’s that old compromisin’, enterprisin’, anything but tranquilizin',
Right on Maude!
when she tragically went to embrace the gorilla (Whose actual name at the Zoo is "Crazy C") when catastrophe struck. In the gorrilla's defense, behavioral scientists claim that he was additionally provoked by the flashes of lights from unsuspecting nicholes sparkling rhinestones pasties. (Miss Wood had just finished a charity children's story reading at the School for The Blind, Deaf and Dumb as she does every Sunday evening as part of her community service agreement)
Horrified onlookers watched as the beast sank its fangs into her arms and the deaf and dumb children began frantically Signing for help!
Karrissa Wade, who happens to be a legitimate volunteer at the Children's Hospital walked into the scene of carnage. Nichole Wood was being pummeled within an inch of death itself screaming "Rosebud!" while the gorilla was busy mangling her taffylike breasts in an apparent attempt to rip them out by their roots.
With admirable presence of mind, Miss Wade cajoled "Crazy C".
"Someone's got a bourbon and coke waiting for them, ....I think I know who neeeeds one! Who wants to be a good gorilla and get a boutbon and coke?"
"Crazy C" charged Miss Karrissa Wade and urinated in a nearby garbage pail, then began pointing its chubby fingers at the victim. The gorilla, trained in signing at the institute began furiously signalling "No One Will Believe You!"
Miss Wade was able to lead the assailant from the scene.
No word yet from the victim.
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