Ride for a Cure

Tonight Hamburger Mary's ! Josh's ride 165 mile bicycle ride for a cure . You all know Miss Wade loves a man in spandex it highlights his Christian parts. I have been asked to anoint the child tonight tonight and give blessing in the name of the father. You know as a good christian woman of the strictest of moral fiber I clutch my pearls in angst. Well the lords work is calling me tonight to Hamburger Marys on Beach Blvd and whee Jesus calls I shall answer. I shall go bless this child as only I can .Who is this child you might ask? Well some of you remember the human slave auction I was forced to partake in . He was the lost soul who I brought to his knees to repent. And now as the Lord sees fit I shall go down on mine in all his glory. The cause is for a 165mile bicycle ride for HIV . When i first heard of this i was like lawd and Jefferson Davis why on gods green earth would anyone hunty wanna do that? If Miss Wade is doing a 165 mile bike ride i better be chased by angry liberals with pit bulls. Upon speaking to this tall fine specimen of the lords work. I agreed to accept he and the will of the father. legs to still shaking i arose to hear of this quest. Its called smart ride a 165 mile bicycle ride for research and a cure for HIV . Each cyclist must raise ea minimum of 1500 to participate . I promptly wrote a 3rd party check on a closed . seriously though to many of our brothers and sisters have fallen . Help myself and Josh raise this money and come cheer him on tonight at Hamburger Marys. Miss Wade

Miss Wade Sold Into Hamburger Charity Slavery

Now anyone who knows The First Lady of Jacksonville, knows that she hesitates before indulging in even the mildest form of swearing.  Strong language is the tool of a weak mind after all, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!  Miss Wade regrets to exclaim and inform her reading public that there is Human trafficking at Hamburger Marys!

Your fragile chanteuse wouldn't have believed it, if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes.

Surely there cannot be a living person in Jacksonville who is unaware that Miss Wade is a tireless advocate for Civil Rights. For the record, she even thinks that women should vote. So one can imagine my dismay upon hearing this torrid, horrid rumor.  Since I do not like to simply believe the worst unless I have a personal foundation for known,  I had to go down and see this travesty myself---over the years, the habits of being the good Christian woman have become more pronounced, I am happy to inform. (Miss Todd, I am looking directly in your direction)

Sure enough, there were hordes of young people lined up like Daniel and Shadrak Mishak and Abednigo (its a scriptural reference to the book of Daniel that she feels should need no further explanation to bible believers) to be fed the the fat of the land (straight from the altars of Ba'al) like cows to the slaughter.

Much to my surprise and horror, I cannot even describe the bevy of boys and girls, ------some of Jacksonville's most brilliant and eligible.  In bondage.  To sin. They were being sold off at auction.  Shameless!

Miss Wade was stung to action.

"Tell Pharaoh! Let my people go!" I exclaimed and physically liberated one particular fine young thoroughbred who needed saving. (And who better for the task, one asks, than Miss Wade). There was a mighty battle as I wrestled the young Spartan off of the auction block and dragged the brainwashed young victim to a nearby room.  One dark enough for him to be able to perform an act of contrition without shame.  After I convinced him to get down on his knees, he opened his heart and mouth for nothing short of a revelation.

Imagine Miss Wade's surprise when (struggling) he explained the nature of his sins.

You may envision the discomfort of The First Lady upon realization of her mistake.

There was nothing to do except knock the young man unconscious and hope that he would develop amnesia.

Apparently the seemingly criminal proceeding was not a slave auction at all-----at least not openly.  The 'promoters' claim that is is merely a 'fund raiser' for Jacksonville's most needy charities.

Shamefully, the most beautiful young Bachelors and Bachlorette in Jacksonville's Gay, Lesbian and otherwise lettered community are being auctioned off for a date. All money raised will go to each charity.

Shameful.

Miss Wade took pity for the fine young stallion.  She scrambled. Actually scrambled through her very best church purse to see if she could pay the sinners price for him and save him from the clutches of the sinful bidders on his virtue.

Alas, all she could find was an EBT card, a coupon for Golden Corral, and some anti fungal cream.

But she was committed to blowi saving the handsome and pitiable young boy she had so recently rescued.  Try as she might, she was unable to interest the pawns of Beelzebub in her coupons to the delicious buffet to be found at The Golden Corral.  And was forced to make a devil's bargain.

They demanded instead that to Miss Wade lend her fund raising skills to the auction as hostess and MC.

What a quandary.  What a damned quandary.

With trembling fingers, she signed (in blood) on the dotted line of the infernal contract.  She had no other choice.  Perhaps she should have read the finer print, however, as it clearly implies that she will be forced to auction Herself off---if funds are raised quickly and bountifully enough.

Heavens!  Merciful Heavens!  As her readers know, Miss Wade's "raising" skills are legendary. Her many years as deacon's wife for Oral worship of the Christ on a Cross Epiphany Holy Evangelical Church of the Saints and Apostles have given her all kinds of experience..

She is known world-wide for her strange tongues and and her handling of many snakes in all shapes and sizes.  In fact there isnt a variety of snake that the First Lady hasnt had reason to handle--- from Asian to Anaconda.

All of that experience will be put roundly to the test.  It will have to save her from the shameful position she is in.  And so will you, gentle reader.  You will have to save her.

So come out this Sunday and see the Lawd work in mysterious ways.

Starts sharply at 8 pm Hamburger Mary's. Love offering to be given to Miss Wade at beginning of event. Come be blessed and anointed by and for Miss Wade!

"Dildos for the Lord" at Hamburger Mary's

Miss Wade finds herself in a bit of a dilemna inasmuch as she approves (in theory) of the free expression of sexuality in all forms----no matter how many Republican Lawmakers are swept out of office in disgrace as a consequence.  However, she must confess that her experience at Hamburger Mary's "Bordello Bingo" has her questioning whether or not she can wear her darling little hat for Sunday Morning Church and Fellowship in good conscience.  Truly the 'game'--And Miss Wade uses that word in the loosest possible sense (no pun intended, honest)  would make Linda Lovelace demand to review the terms of her contract.  For those of you too young to remember Miss Lovelace, she was a famous Republican Senator from Ohio---And rumor has it, a fellow worker in the trenches with local City Councilwoman Kimberly Daniels (the demon buster)

But enough about kneepads and halos. Miss Wade is deeply concerned about the raunchy and wild nature of the show. Things that shouldnt be discussed unless they require a subpoena and threat of imprisonment occur with alarming frequency, and no, Miss Wade is not referring to the accounting practices of Erotica Cooper (and really, is this any kind of name for a grownup?) She is referring to shocking displays of sexual hardware and products that seem intended more for the filming of Saw than anything romantic or intimate.

Truly. Miss Wade has been made aware that there is an entire industry of people who make distorted models of the male sex organ out of latex and rubber. At first she thought these things were crude props intended for medical symposiums, but she has had her eyes opened (widely, it bears noting) Really. People can be so morbid.

Miss Wade will spare you the details of the sordid uses to which these 'sex toys' are put, but she will tell you that she has launched a campaign to remove these dangerous objects from the hands of people who cannot be trusted with them and distribute them to people of Christian and wholesome character.

A large assortment of these disgusting prosthetics will be liberated from the clutches of evil doers and given out to audiences (to be destroyed immediately of course) every Tuesday Night at 8pm (18 and up) at Hamburger Mary's.

Wont someone please think of the Children?

Love and Prayers
Miss Karrissa Wade.

The Return of Miss Wade and a video tribute to Don Redman, Jacksonville City Council.

Miss Wade would like to announce to her adoring public---which has spent almost a half minute too long in blogeristic suspended animation-- that she is back in the blogarena.

She is back, and she has a bone to pick.  A big and bossy bone.  And unfortunately a fat starved, bossy bone.  A few months ago, Miss Wade decided to check herself into a fat farm.  Now lest the more waggle tongued among you shake something loose near your tonsils, let her stop you before you engage the source of many of your toothsome incomes into something as unprofitable as false gossip about the First Lady of Jacksonville.

She did not check into a fat farm for the usual reasons.  No, it was in the pursuit of journalism and justice.  Contrary to rumor, Miss Wade does not struggle with negative feelings about her luscious though primly toned figure.  After all, it is not she who has been asked to leave the Golden Corral on Southside in a debilitating and embarrassing manner on three separate occasions (yes, you left your wallet, "anita" and you were identified to the Authorities.) for stuffing her Walmart manufactured 'purse' with unpaid for cuts of prime d beef. 

Golden Corral overindulgence after an unsuccessful attempt to displace Miss Wade from her perch at Hamburger Mary's aside, Miss Wade checked into what she assumed was a reputable fat farm only to find out that she had been abducted and sold into slavery, bound for the Middle East.

Apparently there are some very wealthy men with oil wells who will spend obscene amounts of money for the possibility of, well, shall we say 'comingling' with beautiful women from America.  And Miss Wade was a victim of just such a loathly enterprise.  Flattering though the attempt might have been from a certain point of view, it is certainly beneath the dignity befitting the First Lady of Jacksonville to consider working without a contract for strange men.

Consequently she found herself imprisoned in the Haj Dubai, without a friend in the world except for the massage boy, a hair stylist, two personal assistants, a nutritionist, and a really very interesting kind of pedicure expert (more on that later).  

And room service.  When they felt like it.  And they were always very snippy and refused to speak anything other than foreign gibberish.

With nothing more than a can of low fat tuna (in spring water) a pair of strappy high heel shoes and a 'Sherizade" costume, Miss Wade was forced to escape the country of Dubai and flee across the desert in order to rejoin her Christian tribe here in Jesusville.

The Documentary of her Escape from Dubai was recently aired on the CW's "In The Pits" television show, using actual footage from the whole ghastly affair.

Anyways, she is working very conscientiously to restore her former level of professional labor in the publication of Big Boned and Bossy, and hopes to have all the office boys with their hands full within short order.

Until then, she certainly hopes that you enjoy her favorite new music video, which she has dedicated to Jacksonville City Council Jerk, Don Redman.

With love and affection, 

Miss Karrissa Wade

the First Lady of Jacksonville

Where has Karrisa gone?

Like a STD .. Shes back! Stay tuned... for post tonight!!