The Further Adventures of Karrissa Wade, (As she fell amongst thieves)

(continued from below.)

The First Lady of Jax doesn't remember everything that happened next.

"I was trapped in the car, in fear for my life, with a gun pointed at my head, thinking each devotional prayer would be my last. I worried about the Children most of all.....Who would read if I was killed by these terrible desperados?

Also world peace."

The gruff, almost croaking toadlike voice of the gunman belched out: Just Drive to The Metro, Bitch!"

"Now I have been aware of the location of this den of Iniquity for some time, through my work with the homeless and destitute, so I had a pretty good idea what was in store, but in my most fevered nightmares, I never suspected the awful truth.

First of all, it was quickly apparent that it was a club for The Gays.

"One false move, and Ill blow your do goody ass straight to Jeebus." I was told by that terrible Wilhelmina woman. Were going to a titty show in the back, and if you act out, you are one dead Christian Soldier."

I clutched my 32 carat cross and began praying for his soul.

I fell in the hallway, and the painted catamites all began to laugh at me.

Look at her! They pointed and mocked. Such was their disrespect for a child of the Living God.

One of my kidnappers, the one known as 'Blossom', I believe poured something in my mouth that burned like liquid fire.

"Drink THIS!" The creature belched.

I began choking and protesting, but she simply pinched my jawline and forced my mouth open.

"Drink it you bitch! Drink it till the girls get pretty!"

Staggering, I was dragged to my feet and my two abductors, (who I now realize were sinfully drunk) pushed me through a dark blue curtain and put me in a seat.

By now, I was beginning to feel the effects of the medication they had forced me drink, and I asked for more. To kill the pain.

After almost a full bottle of the tonic, I must have been delirious because I felt almost grateful to the squalid, pug nozed gremlin in a dress for nursing my injury in the fall.

Suddenly the lights came on, and some of the manliest women I have ever seen filed out onto the center floor.

These must be the flesh peddlers I realized.

My eyes locked with one of them, and I couldn't help looking down at her strangely shaped torso and then down at her wooly legs and enormous feet.

Is she a Yeti, I asked?

Blossom chimed in:

If you think these Thursday bitches are ugly, you should have seen the Wednesday girls. One of them does a bathroom sex show at the other bar.

(to be continued.)

Gorilla Attacks Showgirl after Discovering that crowds had nicknamed it Bea Arthur.

Yet Another shocking simian attack has taken place, this time in Jacksonville Florida.

local christian enthusiast Nichole Woods was brutally mauled this past week after mistaking a gorrilla for Bea Arthur and singing the theme song for Maude.

She almost got through the entire song and was finishing up the final chorus:

And then there’s that old compromisin’, enterprisin’, anything but tranquilizin',
Right on Maude!
when she tragically went to embrace the gorilla (Whose actual name at the Zoo is "Crazy C") when catastrophe struck. In the gorrilla's defense, behavioral scientists claim that he was additionally provoked by the flashes of lights from unsuspecting nicholes sparkling rhinestones pasties. (Miss Wood had just finished a charity children's story reading at the School for The Blind, Deaf and Dumb as she does every Sunday evening as part of her community service agreement)


Horrified onlookers watched as the beast sank its fangs into her arms and the deaf and dumb children began frantically Signing for help!

Karrissa Wade, who happens to be a legitimate volunteer at the Children's Hospital walked into the scene of carnage. Nichole Wood was being pummeled within an inch of death itself screaming "Rosebud!" while the gorilla was busy mangling her taffylike breasts in an apparent attempt to rip them out by their roots.

With admirable presence of mind, Miss Wade cajoled "Crazy C".

"Someone's got a bourbon and coke waiting for them, ....I think I know who neeeeds one! Who wants to be a good gorilla and get a boutbon and coke?"

"Crazy C" charged Miss Karrissa Wade and urinated in a nearby garbage pail, then began pointing its chubby fingers at the victim. The gorilla, trained in signing at the institute began furiously signalling "No One Will Believe You!"

Miss Wade was able to lead the assailant from the scene.

No word yet from the victim.

Celebrity Bathroom Sex Scandal at Jacksonville Club for the Gays

A once glittering tranny, whose fading star is almost lost to view was recently busted in a drunken sex stall scandal at a local club for the gays.

When asked why she was in the Wide Stance position in a stall, with a 'helpmate' behind a locked (but not view proof) stall door, the native latin star sputteringly explained:

"Its no surprise that I was in the Wide Stance Stall, on account of my shoulders, she said. With a straight face. (not her own)

You might think it strange, but I often go to the bathroom for inspiration on new costumes and dance moves. Some of my best moves were originally choreographed in Truck Stop Bathrooms in fact. I don't have to explain my art to anyone."

She vehemently denies any memory of any wrongdoing and had no comment regarding the lack of any makeup remaining on her face from the nose down.

Her helpmate was not immediately identified, which leaves Miss Wade to assume that he was a Young Republican.

Details pending.

Miss Karrissa Wade an Unwilling Participant in Three County Melee. Blames local Ringleader, Wilhelmina NotsoTight.

Miss Karrissa Wade, (the First Lady of Jacksonville) was recently made into the unwilling witness of an orgy of violence, drunkenness, questionable activities and sexual perversity which almost ended her life as well as soiling her pristine reputation.

It all began as Miss Wade was leaving the Shands Burn Trauma Center after a charity fundraiser and birthday celebration for one of the Center's young patients.

She was on her way to another fundraiser at First Baptist Church of Downtown Jacksonville to raise money and awareness for the plight of Sofia Andrews in California.

As she was entering her Bentley, she recieved a spurious phone caller who claimed that troubled siren, Sondra Todd, was in trouble at a local chinese buffet and needed to be removed. (read "dragged away from the fried chicken before she explodes")

Miss Wade rushed to the aid of her oldest and dearest living friends only to find campy crime figure, (Miss Biggestboned and Bossy herself) Blossom O'Toole.

Before she was able to make a quick U Turn, she found her vehicle boxed in by a disreputable hooptie driven by former prositute Wilhelmina Notsotight. But she had other concerns.

"I didnt realize that it was a trap at first, because my car was also being surrounded by about 25 angry employees of the chinese buffet all screaming "You EAT! You PAY!"

Since I thought I recognized Lashes, I was distracted. And then that awful Wilhelmina woman in the back seat, and Blossom O'Toole in the passenger seat mashing my gas pedal and both of them screaming "Go, you dumb Bitch! Go!!"

The Wilhelmina woman was armed so I had no choice except to punch the gas. I heard a scream and the sound of cheap flip flops hitting the pavement, and Ihad a sinking feeling that I had just driven over Lashes. Im afraid to go to her show on Friday.

End Part 1.

Local Lesbian Squadleader, Lauren from Metro is launching her perennial Queer Cruise on May 17th.

Miss Wade plans on being present at the launch, which is being billed as the worlds premier luxury line. Dubbed "Unsinkable" by experts, the ship will be departing from behind the "Chart House" restaurant on the san marco riverwalk promptly at 4:30 pm.

The First Lady of Jacksonville, Miss Karrissa Wade will be the featured entertainer, along with cameo appearances by Rhiannan and Blossom O'Toole (the newly crowned Biggest boned and Bossy, 2009) who will be assisting Miss Wade as she reigns supreme over the A-List gays, lesbos and 'others' who will be present in a supporting capacity.

In an extraordinary burst of generosity, the tickets (normally in the 25,000.00 dollar range) are being offered for only 20.00 in advance, and 25.00 on the day of.

Miss Wade has never been aboard the ship, but she has been assured that the accomodations are certainly fit for The Queen, although she wonders who has been so generous as to donate the staggering amounts of money necessary to subsidize the unbelievable low ticket price. Perhaps guests are supposed to bid at an auction later, ......she will certainly update our readers.

As with all luxury cruises there will be free dining and entertainment options, so start dieting now.

To buy tickets, simply go to The Metro or contact Lauren at 904 334 5344. (remember: While explicit sexual phone calls are always a pleasure for the unhappily married, this is not the case with Lauren. Also, she has caller ID and firearms.)

Why Does This Ad Seem So Shady? Does Anyone Have a Clue?

Come on, now!

Some things just arent even funny.

Is anyone missing a bike in Riverside?

Three Layers of Drag, Two Tickets to Taylor, and One Mad Queen

Taylor Swift, seen here without any 'slimming' photoshop effects pauses before gorging herself, pre concert at Three Layers Coffeehouse in Springfield. The landmark cafe is at the corner of what used to be Gay and Inferno in the now uppity former ghetto.

(1602 walnut street, jacksonville 32206)

Teardrops on Taylor's guitar apparently start out with cholesterol on her plate and five oclock shadow on her chin.

Miss Wade, who happened to be in the cafe when Miss Swift showed up on her harley davidson 1500, commented that Miss Swift was pretty enough to win a prize.

Trouble erupted when Miss Swift made unwarranted sexual advances on Three Layers owner, Shawn McGuire and was delivered a roundhouse to her chin by McGuire's partner, Jeff Wright.

"I love me some Taylor Swift," Wright told Miss Wade, "But some things are just ri-goddam-diculous."

After being beaten nearly senseless, Miss Swift's handlers whisked the pop diva away from the cheesecakes, but not before leaving two tickets to her concert.

Predictably, Jeff ended up having a great time at the show.

Temptation One Night Only.

A quick picture of Temptation, who will be starring with Miss Karrissa Wade tonight at the annual Pig, Pickle and Taffy Pull, sponsored by the military veterans at InCahoots.

Afterwards there will be a Supreme Court raffle and a hot dog eating contest.

Miss Wade wonders who will be in the top five of sausage swallowers tonight.

She will with hold comment until she has photographic proof later.

The show, entitled Divas Dollies and Dudes, will begin at 10:45 and 12:45 with male and female dancers. (depending on which angle you are looking at them)

Be sure to bring condiments and contributions for the Save Sofia Andrews fund.

Electrifying High Energy Mattel Doll, Shae Shae LaReese Performs at Metro.

Using the very latest in japanese robot technology, Mattel has produced one of the most amazing plastic engineered animatronic character ever to have its ass beaten by an enraged Miss Karrissa Wade.

Called the "Shae Shae LaReese Doll", this show sizzles and the robot looks almost completely lifelike. Miss Wade was almost convinced (at first) that she was watching a real human onstage. It was only on closer inspection that she realized that nothing that beautiful could possible be real. (Well that and the antennas.)

The performance will take place at local fashion creamatorium, The Metro Nightclub on Friday and Saturday Night.

Call the club for further information, but if you like sex and good food (and cool electronics) then you won't want to miss this show!

(Also there is some kind of a show at InCahoots on Friday Night starring Temptation! And of course The First Lady of Jacksonville, Miss Karrissa Wade.----be there bitches)

Local Bartender Claims Vomit Episode was "performance art"

In an exclusive Bigboned interview, A Jacksonville philanthropist and socialite, Scott Hartman was discussed as the victim of a performance art hate crime.

Apparently a local bartender (pictured above) was caught on video immediately after leaving local Jacksonville hot spot, Park Place just as he committed this vulgar act of revenge. Claiming to be part of the elusive "White Russian Militia" the 'bartender' tells Miss Wade.

"I had at least 18 white russians before proceeding to 616, thats when I sprung my little piece." (on an unwilling lifetime friend ---and rumored more---Scott, notes a disapproving Miss Wade.)

Scott was seen at the opening of the beaches a few days afterwards, STILL pulling dried peas from behind his ear.

We think the video speaks for itself, but the question Miss Wade has for her readers is this. Should "art' like this be perpetrated on unsuspecting art patrons?

To leave your vote for this website, simply drop by InCahoots and let Will know how much you love art.

Homeland Security Sends Warning To BigbonedandBossy

Bigboned and Bossy received a threatening missive from Homeland Security earlier today. Apparently there was some very well guarded secrets which BB&B accidentally disclosed in an earlier posts.

The Interior Department of Drag, whose director reports directly to President Obama, sent over a couple of Jackbooted thugs to threaten Blossom O Toole at her day job (seen above---squint a little and think carol channing wig and blue eye shadow). After hours of Waterboarding, It was finally determined that she could yeild no useful information.

Immediately afterwards a similar situation unfolded at the Riverside Mansion of Miss Karissa Wade (the First Lady of Jacksonville) when two extremely mannish looking Homeland Security types showed up with immigration officials and demanded to know the whereabouts of a mysterious translation program which had been leaked into the world of Latina Drag.

They were given a copy of Rosetta Stone and lessons in how to mouth the word "Watermelon" to any song.

Miss Wade wants her devoted followers to know that she will not be terrorized by the likes of these thugs and will continue to post the Truth (and even the half truths) with the same award winning journalistic integrity that has made this site the favorite reading of Sarah Palin.

Power to the people.