Lord knows, It never rains, but it pours. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, two of Jacksonville's celebrity aquatic mammals are celebrating Wet and Slippery Birthdays.
Together.
Lauren, the semi mythical Metro Bartender and Gravity Defying Rhiannon (seen frequently wandering onstage at InCahoots) will be throwing a 'kick off' event for Gay Pride.
Miss Karrissa Wade originally thought this was a "kick the bucket" event and went out and bought a beautiful and tasty black dress for the event.
On finding out that these two were still alive and well however, she will still wear her ensemble as planned. For their lost youth, of course.
The Boat boards at 5:30 (and both of these bitches will be personally boarded shortly thereafter---that is if the boat is wheelchair accessible)
Tickets are $20, headline entertainment will be provided by Miss Karrissa Wade, (The young and attractive one), Rhiannon, and the recently released Blossom O'Toole.
Flowers can be sent via the usual florists. And all donations can be paid directly (IN CASH) to Karrissa Wade.
Yet another reason why it is a bad idea to choose your plastic surgeon from Craigslist.
Tragedy struck the Metro this past week, as notorious pretty boy, David Tibbs went under the knife for a little 'reconstructive' surgery.
After years of wearing a prosthetic chin, made of chinchilla scrap fur and a little parafin house wax (as seen on Martha Stewart's short lived "How I Learned to Love Prison" series) David Tibbs was able to save enough non recreational tip money to consider plastic surgery.
Sadly, the craigslist culture that has seemingly permeated every aspect of Riverside gay life has struck again, this time with tragic results.
In a week that has already seen reputable tranny butchers like Donnie Hendrix (aka Viva) face arrest and disgrace on the cover of the Muggle daily paper, Miss Karrissa Wade would have assumed people would show more caution. http://www.flogfolioweekly.com/?p=711
Everything seemed to be going well, until David's credit card was declined mid procedure on the Laundro Mat processing machine.
Although the 'Dr" expressed shock and regret at the outcome, he points out that for 29.99 it was an amazing job. "And I gave him a price break, because all he had was 27.88 in cash"
For now, Davids runway modelling career appears to be "on hold". This is an especially bitter pill, in light of his recent rejection as an underwear model.
Cash Donations for Davids (And By "Cash" we mean, NO CHECKS OR CREDIT CARDS) can be sent directly to The First Lady of Jacksonville, Miss Karrissa Wade.
Scandal rocks tight knit christian community as Miss Big Boned and Bossy is escorted out of Metro for chasing Miss Wade and Crazy Caroll Todd with a cane and a broken Ensure bottle.
The Ruckus came about as a result of the interruption of Miss Blossom O'toole in the very act of sexual congress (to borrow a term from the vice cops).
While Miss Wade has heard of a website called Granny Likes it In the Fanny, she is appalled to learn that her long time friend and reform school protege, Miss Blossom Otoole is the inspiration for this vile and stomach churning website.
Sources close to the event say that Caroll and Karrissa, minding their own business, stumbled into the bathroom only to notice that the door to the only stall was not only occupied but also locked.
As this is widely known to be Carroll Todds primary business address, (and some infer a second residence) Miss Todd began wildly beating on the door (According to this scarlett woman, she only uses the stall to read and pray. Most other people only agree that she spends a lot of time on her knees while there.) Miss Wade had a sudden chilling revelation when she noticed two separate sets of feet in the single stall.
Since multiple excretion events are clearly against bar policy, she demurely warned the two that they were violating the house rules.
Miss Todd remembers it differently. "Karrissa lost her mind. She was so desperate for something to happen that she ran to the entrance and began screaming 'SECURITY!!! SECURITY"
Miss Wade was as shocked as anyone when the stall door burst opened, almost dislodging the door from its hinges and who should sally forth with her knickers around her cankles, but none other than the newly crowned Miss Big Boned and Bossy.
She quickly rethought the situation.
Miss Todd clarifies: "That bitch is terrified of scandal being associated with that aluminum crown or her tawdry website. Little Miss Goody Two Shoes knows where her bread is buttered."
(Miss Wade brushes off all such comments as lingering effects of the terrible gorilla attack detailed here on Big Boned and Bossy.)
There was almost not enough time to identify the strangely willing coparticipant in this outrage. (Miss Wade simply assumes blindness and a non functioning sense of smell) Sources however, say that it was one of three people:
Mark Spinning Steve Harper or "Sue Ellen"
Sources close to Blossom confirmed that it was notorious Altanta desperado 'Sue Ellen" on condition of anonymity, for which Miss Wade thanks Miss Todd.
The details were lost because of what happened next.
With a growl of animal rage (rivalling the gorilla screams of the earlier incident) Blossom launched into a stream of Profanity and violence that was quite unbecoming for the seedy bathroom of a gay bar in riverside.
Then she broke a bottle of Ensure that had dropped out of her granny diapers, and screamed "Ill Kill YOU, YOU BITCH! Thats the FIRST TIME IVE BEEN LAID IN 40 YEARS!"
Then, spittle flying from her newly acquired teeth, she began chasing the electrified Miss Todd around the bar.
Security intervened by trapping Blossom with a trash can.
Miss Wade has informed authorities of her intent to have a hearing into the legitimacy of O'tooles crown.
Jacksonville's First Lady, the savvy and incisive Miss Karrissa Wade has been deluged recently with the fairly shocking and deplorable news that Jacksonville's Annual Pride Parade has not only been cancelled, but that there are lingering questions as to why.
Lets start with the propaganda and half truths and work our way up to the outright lies and jaw dropping details:
First there is the legendary state of the Finances of the official committee which Jacksonville's gay community has entrusted with handling its non profit affairs, its newspaper, and the Pride Festival itself.
Despite heavy underwriting and generous donations given by many individuals, bars, and organizations over the past three years apparently the organization is penniless.
How could this be, Miss Wade is constantly asked. How could this possibly be?
Then there is the deteriorating quality for three years running of the two major projects which the Pride Committee is supposed to be handling. The gay newspaper, and the Pride Festival.
Gay newspapers around the country serve as the advocates and voice for the gay communities that they serve. We may have come a long way Baby, but we ain't there yet. And Jacksonville is still one of the most homodenying and homophobic cities in the nation. There is a real role that should be filled by our newspaper. Our issues are real and they are ignored by the mainstream media.
For example, where was our advocate newspaper when all of the gay bars were being raided and shut down this past year?
Miss Wade fails to remember them being anywhere except in the bars sipping cocktails.
When sailors were being discharged for their orientations at both NAS and Mayport, where was our paper demanding justice?
Another of Miss Wades Tea acquaintances points out that there hasnt even been an issue of the paper in a while.
Miss Wade wishes that she knew this for a fact, but it was invisible for so long, that she really can't tell for sure.
So much, thinks Miss Wade, for the first half of the two important things that our Pride Committee promised all of us that they would do.
Now for the Pride Festival itself.
When one thinks of Pride Festivals, one immediately thinks of the most important feature in all parades everywhere: The Parade.
Parades let every one of us participate. It is the one way that we get to go out, be visible, be ourselves in public, and show the rest of the world the joy and the pride that is a part of our community.
Parades everywhere, that is, except Jacksonville this year.
Instead, for the previous 10 years, we have had a picnic. Or, when the organization was working at its height, a Major Three Day Event at the Beaches.
How difficult can it be to organize gays into a big showy parade? Or even how expensive? Miss Wade has seen enough gay men and women line up and cut the fool to staff the Macy Thanksgiving Day Parade whenever they announce free shots at the bar, so she is not going to be trifled with on this question.
You could cause a small riot just by pointing a couple of the queens at Incahoots and telling them Zac Efron was just seen in the parking lot.
Instead. Jacksonville, with its population of a million plus has barely been able to afford a picnic in the gayest park in Florida.
Last year, the entire Pride Festival had to happen inside the Bars and Nightclubs. That is because there wasnt enough money to sponsor events where there might be a cost in the rentals.
There was a parade, thank god. But that was because of the clubs and organizations stepping up at the last minute and donating their time and energy.
Oh? Miss Wade hears? There are gasps in the online audience? She remembers that no one really knew what happened last year.
At the last minute, with barely enough time to pull it together the Bar Owners and a few generous individuals were thunderstruck to find that there werent finances or planning in place for the festival and they had to put it together themselves.
So here we are this year, and now we are told that there will not even be a Pride Festival.
This comes with no notice at all, and no time to put anything together.
The Bars are having to sponsor their own events, and their own celebrations. At the last minute they have been able to pool their time and money to sponsor the Memorial Picnic.
Miss Wade doesn't normally dish out more credit than abuse, but she feels her faithful readers will forgive her by naming the people and organizations who managed to pull this off:
Metro Incahoots AJs BootRack Bo's Coral Reef and HandyMan To Go.
Without them, there would have been nothing at all.
But where is the money that has been collected by the "Pride" Committee?
One of the Bar Owners sent an inquiry email to find out what happened to all the cash that had been contributed earlier this year:
From: (redacted) Sent: Friday, July 10, 2009 6:05 PM To: a.solomon@mergejacksonville.com Subject: Re: 2009 First Coast Pride Events Cancelled
What about all the money that was raised this year with the agreement that there would be a parade. The bars still want a parade even if we can't afford the main event.
The records for this organization are public record? Correct??
So can you please send me a copy of the funds raised and money spent so we can see what's going on. The bars will be meeting next week to figure out the next step and these records are neeeded. Thanks
(Redacted)
They recieved a curious response:
From: a.solomon Subject: RE: 2009 First Coast Pride Events Cancelled To:( redacted) Date: Monday, July 13, 2009, 2:32 PM
July 13, 2009
Thank you for your most recent e-mail inquiry regarding the cancellation of the 2009 First Coast Pride event(s). It is truly unfortunate that both businesses and residents of the First Coast will have to forfeit the production of Northeast Florida’s largest pride festival activities.
All sponsors and vendors of the 2009 First Coast Pride Festival are refunded directly. Any and all individual donations made to Merge Jacksonville, Inc. are unrestricted donations to the organization and are tax deductible; however, they are not refundable.
Contributions made to Merge Jacksonville, Inc. between November 1, 2008 and October 31, 2009 will be reflected in our 2010 annual report. This report will be made available in April 2010.
In order to ensure the 2010 event(s), it will be necessary to secure sponsorship opportunities before October 31, 2009. We sincerely hope that you will consider becoming a sponsor.
Aaron Solomon Events Director Merge Jacksonville, Inc. 1-888-411-OITC ext 703
Under other circumstances, Miss Wade would be amused, if not outright envious of this response. She wishes she could be just that Gangsta.
"You gave your money, and we are keeping it. Well get with you next year with the books. (that is if you still remember it) By the way. You got some change and a smoke?"
This last part, Miss Wade thinks, is the absolute best. It takes balls to panhandle two minutes after you got caught purse snatching.
One final note: More hilarity ensues from the notice that has been posted on the Merge Website.
The 2009 Pride Festival has been postponed.
The notes say that it will take place in 2010.
Really? Really?
Will all the banners read Happy Belated 2009 during the 2010? What about the 2010 parade? Will we get to march twice to make up for this year? Or will they simply delay celebrating 2010 until 2011?
Is there a possibility that President Palin will be elected while the Jacksonville Gay Community is still in 2011?
The mind fairly explodes.
There are a lot of unanswered questions. So far the hottest one is "Did the Pride Committee (and no one else) go Partying in Atlanta?" if so, who paid for it?
Miss Wade is going back to her boudoir to see if she can find her ass kicking boots.
She wants to make Nancy Sinatra proud.
If this keeps up, she will make Sigourney Weaver proud.
The World's Most Authoritative Site Online about Cabaret and Drag Performances.
Nominated 14 times for Best Drag Blog by the Prestigious Cher Foundation, and 3 time recipient of the Peaonanybody Award.
The First Lady of Jacksonville.
And Former Miss Galactic Drag
Places that Miss Wade Hopes her Reader's Can Visit With a Clear Conscience.
Posts
