Swine Flu Hits Jacksonville. (The Sofia Andrews Update)

Swine Flu Hysteria has hit the streets of Jacksonville (spelled "yaksunvile" by a local 'sammich' lovin' gal on craigslist)

Noted Humanitarian and Parking Lot Charity Supporter, Nichole Woods out of concern for missing hobo princess, Sofia Andrews, was able to raise enough 'charity money' to obtain a bus ticket from local bar patron Rick after a three week barnburner in several parking lots outside Jacksonville area clubs.

Fearing that Miss Andrews, who was recently discovered living in a cardboard box in Sante Cruz had been exposed to swine flu, Nichole didn't hesitate.

"Honey, Ive seen some of the pigs that girl has pulled a trick or two on, and I just KNEW that time was of the essence" She told Miss Wade recently, in a BigBoned exclusive interview. "It was my Christian Duty as a friend and a sister. I love me some Sofia." she added, dabbing a tear from a cloudy eye and excusing herself to make yet another trip to the 'lavatory'.

That was apparently just before disaster struck in a small truck stop outside Tuscon.

After being in an enclosed tight space in the back of a truck that had recently crossed the border, Miss Woods was trying to raise more 'charity money' by providing light entertainment.

She started coughing. "Actually it was more like choking" said an unnamed witness.

After 11 bouts of choking from an obstruction of the throat, she finished "Fancy" to thunderous applause. And six pesos.

Then she collapsed.

The CDC refuses to confirm or deny whether or not Miss Wood has contracted the Swine Flu.

Miss Wade Wonders What Big Boned Bossy Gal Might Have Been Posting On Craigslist.

Any Guesses?

The Winner gets a burrito and Paella.

Miss Wade would offer an all expense paid trip to subway, but she fears rewarding the guilty.

In any case, no one wants to tease a big boned hungry gal, especially a pageant winner that has resorted to posting on Craigslist for "Sammiches".

Vertical Smile's restraining order has finally been lifted and she will be making her triumphant return to the scene of her crime.

Please hide your children and wallets on the nights of May 13th, 15th and 17th, while she violates international copyright and intellectual property rights at Brittney Spears' expense.

(for people like Holly, we are talking about the unecessary apelike parroting of Miss Spears while lipsynching her lyrics.) (thats a bit of a mixed metaphor, one knows.)

But for people used to watching the latina Misses from South Florida during painful attempts to lipsynch in a language they have never spoken, this might be a welcome relief.

But that is neither here nor there. We were talking about that Spear's woman.

Oops. that Vertical Smile woman.

And her show.

When was it again? Oh yes. May 13th, 15 and 17th at InCahootz.

And Miss Wade doesnt hate this skinny, gorgeous bitch because of her adam's apple.

She doesnt. Really.

Free Counter

Free Sophia Andrews! (Lost in California)

Please help contribute to the Free Sophia Andrews Fund and rescue a wayward princess who is facing her hour of need.

Sophia Andrews left for California almost two months ago and has not been seen since.

She has been without tortillas, duct tape or eyelashes for almost a month now, and her suffering is intolerable.

If we cannot raise 600 dollars soon, then we may never see her pasties again.

Please. Dig it deep and give.

Donations will be collected on wednesdays fridays and sundays in the parking lot at InCahoots.

Nichole Woods can be contacted for other kinds of donations. (perishables etc)

Parking Lot Escapades at TSI. Nichole Woods Blows the Lid OFF!

Please, ladies.

Remember to respect poor Nichole's privacy. It is nobody's business what she did with that 'straight' frat boy in the parking lot off of Bay Street.

Its embarrassing enough that I have to look at her every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday Nights at NKahootz (located convenient off Edison Avenue by Blue Cross Blue Shield in the Meat Packing District) knowing what those cops must have been thinking after they chased the two of them naked down the river.

So please, ladies. Don't bring the subject, its too sensitive.

Condolences to Blossom O'Toole's Final Teeth.

Today, Big Boned and Bossy bids a sad farewell to Blossom O'Tooles remaining 9 teeth.

After a valiant battle with termites and gingivitis, they were sadly sent to that orthodontist in the sky in a ceremony that lasted almost 2 hours and took the assistance of two paleontologists and a dental assistant.

Miss Wade would like to know what happened to the motheaten tusks, as she has an idea that brontosaurus teeth are probably worth a penny or two.

If anyone can locate said teeth, Miss Wade will be glad to share the e bay auction proceeds with the lucky finder.

Happy Hunting, with love,
The First Lady.

(PS. I hope she likes cream of chicken soup)

It has recently come to my attention, that there has appeared a saucy swedish meatball of a big boned girl on the Jacksonville scene.

Her name is unknown at the present time, but she has been known to frequent the kinds of establishments that big boned gals like best.

Gay bars.

And Krispy Kreme Donuts.

(and the waffle house on Roosevelt)

Welcome To Miss Wade's Parlor.

She has got some special Tea all brewed up for all her bigboned friends. (and their little dogs too)

In this blog (or whatever the google is calling it these days) we shall be not only serving hot, painful tea, but we will be dishing up some very interesting dishes for your pleasure and later regurgitation.

Please accept our apologies if you are too damn stupid to get either the point or the humor.

We sure wish that you have a nice stay here on Big Boned.

We know we will be talking about you sooner or later.

Oh.. and Nichole Woods is a ho.