Attempted Murder in Riverside?

Miss Karrissa Wade was shocked and dismayed this morning, when she got up to jog to the gym for her daily workout and Charity run.

Well....Lets just say that she was dismayed. "Shocked" would imply that she was surprised, and sadly, the First Lady of Jax is literally beyond surprise when any otherwise shocking tale comes out of the remains of what used to be a great club called The Third Dimension.

She rolled over on her cloud this morning, hoping to shake angel sparkles from her sleepy eyes, and her laptop was literally smoking.

At 9am, her cellphones were all blowing up, and even her secret landline was purring angrily in the distant Drawing Room. She slipped out of her linen sheets, rose petals falling to the floor, and ran over to the Louise XIV secretary upon which she keeps her laptop. (remember, children, we do not own works of art, we are merely preserving them for future generations)

Her sense of decorum and love were shattered within seconds as she was subjected to the most hateful vitriol and abuse that she has ever been witness to. Poor Miss Wade. She was literally in tears as she read the death threats, the insults, and worst of all the photos of a certain naked bar owner being dumped unceremoniously into her own toilet. In effigy.

And what had Miss Wade done to deserve this terrifying attack by gay teabaggers? (no pun intended)

Nothing. She had done nothing.

It was all apparently having to do with an incident involving the truly angelic Miss Dana Douglas, that undimmable light of the stage who Miss Wade is privileged to call her Sister in Christ. In fact, Miss Wade remembers well her debutant party, and the gorgeous appointments of the private club set like a white crown on an endless bounty of rolling green hills......ah....memories

With trembling hands, she dialed one of her message services.

Apparently Miss Douglas was savagely beaten and thrown unconscious into the streets outside of a small club in the riverside district. At the demand of rogues, and a truly weltering rabble of thugs in jackboots.

Miss Wade is not sure of the details, nor is she certain of the full truth of the accounts, but if there is any truth in the attempted murder of one of the great lights of the Cabaret Profession I wish them luck.

She is still trying vainly to determine why anyone would assume that Miss Wade was involved in the vicious attack, as she would never ally herself with such activities.

It is true that Miss Wade is acquainted with the ophidian characters who are accused of the unspeakable acts perpetrated against Miss Douglas, but her only contact with these notorious characters was as a result of her charity work with the apparently unredeemable ensemble. Indeed. Though Miss Wade doesnt like to discuss it, she barely escaped herself, and is well aware of the strange and sudden bouts of anger and violence which would make this kind of episode possible.

She would like to take this moment to assure the various national pageants and onlookers that she is just as appalled as anyone at the shocking treatment that was visited upon the head of Miss Douglas, and suggests that this serve as a warning.

Poor Dana. I hope that she will still be able to bear children after this episode, and invite all of the readers of this blog to keep her in their prayers.

Also. if anyone knows what really happened, would they please let Miss Wade know.

is Dana even still alive?

They've got drag in Arkansas????? Lord have mercy!

Fenix Horizon debuted at Metro Thursday night. This sticks out for the First Lady of Jacksonville, for one reason only: This queen is from Arkansas. Home of no virgins (Since at least the Civil War, Arkansas families have one rock solid philosophy: "if it ain't good enough for our family, taint good enough for yours.) Now, Miss Wade has seen many unexplainable things (Sarah Palin, your wig is calling) but who knew they had cross dressers in Arkansas? After seeing the performance, Miss Wade is working on a theory that this little queen was able to escape detection because of her unusual size and shape. On her way to the dressing room, she was shocked to hear a vulgar voice croak: "Bitch need to eat something though". The First Lady thought this a bit crude until she saw the Fenix woman, who resembles nothing so much as a tape worm in a Sally Jessie bobcut. For a moment it was alarmingly like the matrix , the little dragling would turn sideways, and then poof!

Loose gossips are claiming that the unheralded "Fenix" got in because she is involved with, (read: "fucking") someone famous (K.W)---but Miss Wade doubts that as the young slip of a girly boy didn't look like she could roger a cheerio and break it. But what can one expect from a girl from the lower classes except what she was?-----a cross between a street walker and Miss Prissy from Fog Horn Leghorn cartoons.

And The First Lady of Jacksonville doesnt want to hear any nonsense from her readers about a tendency to snobbery or judgemental assumptions: Her opinion is based on rock solid observation: After all, when Miss Wade asked "What brings you to Jacksonville?", to her dismay she was curtly informed "My house broke down in Maclenny and I need a new axle! Besides you guys don't have as many tornadoes here. (And let Miss Wade see if she can faithfully transcribe the phonetics here) "Ah lost my pink flamingas six times last year"

Looking over her ensemble, its apparent that she must also have lost her wardrobe, leaving only a pair of capris and a bad Dolly Parton wig.

The untutored little radish had the temerity to ask your Christian servant how she could get her job. As if. But, being the consumate professional, Miss Wade replied "Well, I got where I am by dropping a house on my predecessor."

Miss Wade expected a laugh, but then to her horror she realized that this was entirely the wrong thing to tell to a woman whose 'house' needed an 'axle repair', and might conceivable have the means to arrange for house and competition to be on two different street grades.

Let The First Lady give credit where credit is due. Jokes aside , Fenix was quite good on stage--- even with a broken heel (do NOT ask). She wowed the crowd while performing (Pink ) in a dashing little creation of her own,---- a vaguely form fitting tornado blown sequined blue and silver number.

Despite the rumors of jealousy over her freakishly tiny waist, (seriously unatural. If this were Gone With The Wind, then Miss Scarlett would probably have died from internal hemmorhaging from having her girdle pulled so tightly) Miss Wade loved her performance. She thought it was terribly daring of Fenis to portray Pink as a beaten crackhead. It was so convincing, that the First Lade almost swore she was doing Whitney. Embarrasingly she found herself crying out to Fenix "I love you Bobby!" I'll always love you !!!!!!", only to find that no one was laughing.

Miss Wade paused to file her claws . Putting on her best momma cares look she instead went right back into the personell closet to delve into her life.

There she learned that the shadowy Fenix was once was in the famed Boomtown's Vampire Improv, Miss Wade is fairly certain that she know the reason Fenix could hold her own on stage ---even sucking . Ok kids time to run small children over with my car. Let me sum up by saying in lypsync i'll give her a 9 but in ass kissing she got a 4 there were 4 of us back stage. Gotta give a hoe credit for recognizing!

Rumor has it Fenix is dating a local celebrity....... smart girl!!!! Triple that wardrobe! you can see her at Aj's bar and grill on Atlantic on Tuesdays. And from the buzz of metro you will definitely see her at M,etro again.

Remember if you cant say anything nice, come sit by me. and we will make them cry.

Love , "The First Lady"

the often imitated never duplicated
Miss Wade

80's lady was framed!!!!!!!!!

Someone tried to frame Sheila the 80's lady and take her elusive drag career . apparently some greedy lil fag no names mentioned..... but sources say.........another entertainer ..... in desperate need of money..... had called the tip hot line to turn the sweet innocent lip sync diva in........

After finishing her first number ( which should have been I'm in chains...) poor Sheila was escorted out by 2 of Jacksonville's finest...... with applause from the crowd who assumed it was a gimmick.



Pasty white, Sheila explained how ridiculous it was to assume she had touched a 12 yr old boy. Now those of us knowing Sheila would know this is absurd: first of all the boy was white! Sheila as you know--- likes her mens like her coffee. or should i latte she do like em fat to!!!

There is no crime as cutting as betrayal, especially from one's own tribe. In this case, a badly dressed tribe of outcast gypsies. But Miss Sheila was given the Judas Kiss by another man in a dress.

After perusing the evidence, The First Lady will say, ---in defense of the Judas Queen who turned her in,---- the pic does vaguely look like Sheila right down to the bad 80's madonna wannabe hair. (Looking more closely, make that madonna wannadie wig.....)


Sheila could not be reached for comment so I'm assuming she was let go after a line up of 80's tribute performers, and the cast of Menudo.

A source tells Miss Wade that Sheila is pursuing a law suit against the accuser as well as officers for defaming her name...(good luck with that honey, after that wig, child molester would be a step up) But regardless, the gentle reader can count on Miss Wade to stand up for the rights of even the most downtrodden. Miss Sheila is the sweetest little old thing that every missed a lesson in makeup!

Finally she can get the breast she's always dreamed of and a personal autograph of her idol Madonna (or more likely --MacDonalds) who knows?......well off to do mayhem.....remember if you cant say anything nice...... come sit by me......


the first lady

The Bitch is Back!

The First Lady of Jacksonville will not be gainsayed. She has returned to print.

With a vengeance.